fading

I just looked at my side posting area where it tells me how many times I post a month. It's progressively gotten less and less. Does this mean you're fading from my life? I guess I haven't noticed. I still think about you all the time. You're still stuck in the back of my head and sometimes front row center. Maybe you are slowly fading though, maybe I'll soon wake up and realize I just don't love you anymore and I just don't care. And maybe that day will come tomorrow. I can only hope.

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

I still think it's you..

In one moment you gave it up,
you decided that this wasn't love, after all
We showed the world, we gave it a try
It didn't work, and God knows why

And now you're off finding someone new
Wondering if there's still someone for you

And I still think it's me
I still think it's me
I still believe, one day you will see
We can't fight it, even deny it
I need every breath you breathe
I still think it's me

You always said you'd end up alone
Never find a man of your own
That's not true
High and low you searched everywhere
But all along the answer's been right there
In front of you for all this time
Was the man you've always wanted to find

And I still think it's me
I still think it's me
I still believe, one day you will see
That we can't fight it, even deny it
I need every breath you breathe
I still think it's me

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

how do you know,

when it's the end?

I can be in such a great frame of mind when it comes to my Grandpa Jim and his battle with cancer but some days I let it defeat me and tear me down. I want to stay positive and believe that he can still keep fighting but when I hear certain things like 'the tumor has grown a tremendous amount' or 'ya know at this stage it's not too far from the end.' Stuff like that whigs me out and gets me in this funk. I have this hope and dream that my grandpa will one day be at my wedding or hold my first child and I guess a harsh reality is that he probably won't. How do you plan for someone to not be there for you the rest of your life? He's been such a big help and support all my years here, how do I keep going without him? Yes, I have friends and other loved ones who will support me and stand by my side but they aren't my Grandpa Jim. No one will take his place and I don't want that. But I wish he'd just always be there, always. I see the hurt in my Grandma's eyes often. She's scared. They have been each other's one and only for so long now. She must be wondering how she'll continue on without him..if she'll continue on with him. I don't know what I'd do if I were her to be completely honest. I'd be a wreck. How do you watch the one you love with your entire being just fall apart and slowly fade away? My grandparents love is so strong and true and I admire it. They are my favorite couple. Still after all of their years together they can joke, kiss, laugh, cry, feel and just love one another. It's true genuine love. I hope that I one day can have a relationship as strong as theirs. My grandpa has lived a very fulfilling life. I am grateful that at 20 years old I still have all four of my grandparents. I am a very lucky grand daughter, that's for certain. What will I do without him? Well, how do you know, when it's the end?

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

So come on baby let me in and show me what this really is

Hoping for a moment that I turn around and you'll be coming after me
Cause all that I can say is that it's obvious, it's obvious you're all I see
So come on baby let me in and show me what this really is about
Cause I can't read you
Come on baby let me in and show me what this really is cause

Something must have made you say that, what did I do to make you say that to me
Something must have made you so mad, what can I do to make you say come back to me

And I'll be here in the morning if you say stay, if you say stay to me

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

I can't believe we let it end..

At the time, it seemed like the right thing
Breakin' up and goin' separate ways
But now I find, I can't keep from wishin'
I was back with you in yesterday
Laughin' and lovin' wild and free
No one else but you and me

I wanna feel that way again
I wanna touch you like I did back then
I wanna hold you in my arms, let a candle burn till dawn
Feel your breath upon my skin
It was the best I've ever been
I can't believe we let it end
I wanna feel that way again

Holdin' hands, walkin' down a dirt road
In the dark and knowin' everythin' was right
We would dance, and talk about tomorrow
Our lips would touch and set the night on fire
Back then there was nothin' we couldn't do
Believin' that dreams come true

I wanna feel that way again
I wanna touch you like I did back then
I wanna hold you in my arms, let a candle burn till dawn
Feel your breath upon my skin
It was the best I've ever been
I can't believe we let it end
I wanna feel that way again

It was the best I've ever been
I can't believe we let it end
I wanna feel that way again

Stumbled across your picture today...

I found an old word document which I thought I read entirely before but turns out there is more if you scroll down which I didn't catch months and months ago when I had last read it. I decided to read it and boy was that hard to do. Tears were poking at my eyes the whole time. I was able to recall every emotion and feeling you had described. Kendell read it too she aww'd and laughed multiple times. What you had wrote to me was so sweet so true so genuine. I also saw you tonight when I stopped at your sisters. It's been a high strung emotional day and night all thanks to you and you have now managed to add to it. You drove past my house. It was you. Your truck. I know the sound of that truck like I know the words to my favorite song. I know the lights and the brush guard because you taught me so well. I know the bump from your system. I know. You drove past and drove in the back neighborhood. But why? Why on earth would you do this? Are you okay? Do you miss me? Was I on your mind? Why the hell would you do this? I don't get you. I never will.

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

So much to say

Out of time
All out of fight
You are the only thing in life that I got right