fading

I just looked at my side posting area where it tells me how many times I post a month. It's progressively gotten less and less. Does this mean you're fading from my life? I guess I haven't noticed. I still think about you all the time. You're still stuck in the back of my head and sometimes front row center. Maybe you are slowly fading though, maybe I'll soon wake up and realize I just don't love you anymore and I just don't care. And maybe that day will come tomorrow. I can only hope.

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

I still think it's you..

In one moment you gave it up,
you decided that this wasn't love, after all
We showed the world, we gave it a try
It didn't work, and God knows why

And now you're off finding someone new
Wondering if there's still someone for you

And I still think it's me
I still think it's me
I still believe, one day you will see
We can't fight it, even deny it
I need every breath you breathe
I still think it's me

You always said you'd end up alone
Never find a man of your own
That's not true
High and low you searched everywhere
But all along the answer's been right there
In front of you for all this time
Was the man you've always wanted to find

And I still think it's me
I still think it's me
I still believe, one day you will see
That we can't fight it, even deny it
I need every breath you breathe
I still think it's me

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

how do you know,

when it's the end?

I can be in such a great frame of mind when it comes to my Grandpa Jim and his battle with cancer but some days I let it defeat me and tear me down. I want to stay positive and believe that he can still keep fighting but when I hear certain things like 'the tumor has grown a tremendous amount' or 'ya know at this stage it's not too far from the end.' Stuff like that whigs me out and gets me in this funk. I have this hope and dream that my grandpa will one day be at my wedding or hold my first child and I guess a harsh reality is that he probably won't. How do you plan for someone to not be there for you the rest of your life? He's been such a big help and support all my years here, how do I keep going without him? Yes, I have friends and other loved ones who will support me and stand by my side but they aren't my Grandpa Jim. No one will take his place and I don't want that. But I wish he'd just always be there, always. I see the hurt in my Grandma's eyes often. She's scared. They have been each other's one and only for so long now. She must be wondering how she'll continue on without him..if she'll continue on with him. I don't know what I'd do if I were her to be completely honest. I'd be a wreck. How do you watch the one you love with your entire being just fall apart and slowly fade away? My grandparents love is so strong and true and I admire it. They are my favorite couple. Still after all of their years together they can joke, kiss, laugh, cry, feel and just love one another. It's true genuine love. I hope that I one day can have a relationship as strong as theirs. My grandpa has lived a very fulfilling life. I am grateful that at 20 years old I still have all four of my grandparents. I am a very lucky grand daughter, that's for certain. What will I do without him? Well, how do you know, when it's the end?

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

So come on baby let me in and show me what this really is

Hoping for a moment that I turn around and you'll be coming after me
Cause all that I can say is that it's obvious, it's obvious you're all I see
So come on baby let me in and show me what this really is about
Cause I can't read you
Come on baby let me in and show me what this really is cause

Something must have made you say that, what did I do to make you say that to me
Something must have made you so mad, what can I do to make you say come back to me

And I'll be here in the morning if you say stay, if you say stay to me

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

I can't believe we let it end..

At the time, it seemed like the right thing
Breakin' up and goin' separate ways
But now I find, I can't keep from wishin'
I was back with you in yesterday
Laughin' and lovin' wild and free
No one else but you and me

I wanna feel that way again
I wanna touch you like I did back then
I wanna hold you in my arms, let a candle burn till dawn
Feel your breath upon my skin
It was the best I've ever been
I can't believe we let it end
I wanna feel that way again

Holdin' hands, walkin' down a dirt road
In the dark and knowin' everythin' was right
We would dance, and talk about tomorrow
Our lips would touch and set the night on fire
Back then there was nothin' we couldn't do
Believin' that dreams come true

I wanna feel that way again
I wanna touch you like I did back then
I wanna hold you in my arms, let a candle burn till dawn
Feel your breath upon my skin
It was the best I've ever been
I can't believe we let it end
I wanna feel that way again

It was the best I've ever been
I can't believe we let it end
I wanna feel that way again

Stumbled across your picture today...

I found an old word document which I thought I read entirely before but turns out there is more if you scroll down which I didn't catch months and months ago when I had last read it. I decided to read it and boy was that hard to do. Tears were poking at my eyes the whole time. I was able to recall every emotion and feeling you had described. Kendell read it too she aww'd and laughed multiple times. What you had wrote to me was so sweet so true so genuine. I also saw you tonight when I stopped at your sisters. It's been a high strung emotional day and night all thanks to you and you have now managed to add to it. You drove past my house. It was you. Your truck. I know the sound of that truck like I know the words to my favorite song. I know the lights and the brush guard because you taught me so well. I know the bump from your system. I know. You drove past and drove in the back neighborhood. But why? Why on earth would you do this? Are you okay? Do you miss me? Was I on your mind? Why the hell would you do this? I don't get you. I never will.

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

So much to say

Out of time
All out of fight
You are the only thing in life that I got right

You'd already be gone if it were up to me

But my hearts got a memory..

the journey

I am on this trip to get over you and I keep making wrong turns and getting lost. I think I'm making the right choice and then something makes me change my mind. I have a break down only about once a month now so that in itself is progress although it doesn't seem like it should be. I've gotta look at the little steps to keep me going and knowing I'm making progress. I'll be on this journey until I find the right path and destination. I'll get there though I promise you that.

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

Holdin' On

There's a Mountain Dew can
With lipstick on it
Rollin' around his truck bed
He just leaves it back there
One of the things he has left of
Her

When he drives into the late
Day sun
You can see a set of footprints
He ain't gonna clean that
Windshield
He'd rather just live with the hurt

[Chorus]
He's holdin' on to the wheel
On to the way she made him feel
On to the shifter, on to
The pictures
Every precious moment with her
Like the left beheind colors in the
Sky
When the sun is gone
He's holdin' on

Oh, he's holdin' on

There's a voicemail on his cell
Phone
He don't dare erase
She endeed with I love you
And he saves it just in case it
Might still be true
No, he ain't through

[Chorus]
He's holdin' on to the wheel
On to the way she made him feel
On to the shifter, on to
The pictures
Every precious moment with her
Like the left beheind colors in the
Sky
When the sun is gone
He's holdin' on

To the past
To the last time he held her
Her breath on his neck
The three words she said
Oh --

He's holdin' on to the wheel
On to the way she made him feel
On to the shifter
On to the pictures
Every precious moment with her
He's holdin' on
Yeah, he's holdin' on and on
He's holdin' on, he's holdin' on

Would he care if I died? Would he notice I'm gone? Would he miss me even a little then?

I don't think so...

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

How?

I woke up thinking I was holding you. The thought of it makes my stomach turn. My dream was so real. We were happy we were together. We fell asleep holding each other and that's when I woke up thinking I was waking up holding you. I can still feel the embrace. Turns out I was holding my comforters and it gave me the illusion that I was once again waking up to you. That was probably the worst one yet. I've woke up crying about you and I've woke up trying to figure out if my dream was real or not but never has it been so real as to where I feel you in my arms. I hate you for leaving me and becoming everything you promised you'd never be but most of all I hate you for making me really fall in love with you. I hate this feeling of lonely you have left me with.

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

like a ghost

You're there. Every song, every road, every turn, every shirt, every picture, every show, every room in my house, ever memory of love & happiness. Like a ghost you haunt my life. You are still living in it even though we haven't talked in months. You still surround me and it makes me hate you so much. I hate that I can look back at pictures and remember exactly how my heart raced...and still does the moment I look at the picture of us. I can remember everything. I want it to stop. I want you gone. How do you get rid of a ghost? How do you banish them from your life? How can I cure this haunting?



I'll be seeing you,
Manda

just waiting on love gone

I made a promise to him. I made a promise to myself. I keep my promises. I said I'd love him forever, I promise. I don't think I'm going anywhere. I don't think my love for him is going anywhere. Sometimes I get really mad about it. I want to hate him, I want him out of my life, I want him gone. But I can't take away the love I had for him. It's going to be there and I really don't think it's going to be leaving any time soon at least. Trust me, I want to get over him, I want to move on, I want someone new. But unconditional love is tested and proven with trials of life. I guess my love is just standing strong as I promised it would. I can't handle this anymore.

I know I shouldn't but I,
I guess you're surprised to hear from me,
I hope it's not to late to call
So you have nothin' left to say, then i'll just talk
I'm the one who broke your heart, I'm the one who let us down
I'm the reason that we're not together now
I hear you found somebody else, but baby I can't help myself

I know I shouldn't miss your touch
I know i shouldn't lie awake
Thinkin I could win ya back
Prayin now it's not to late
Would you believe me if I said I still love you?
I know I shouldn't but I do

Tell me what's up with your new friend
I know I shouldn't even ask
It's not fair to interfereI had my chance
I told you that we were through
But I've never gotten over you

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

Dream without fear love without limits

I still love you. There aint nothin' that love can't fix. I wanna change it all but that's impossible. I've been raised to never give up on love though. So I'm sorry for loving you unconditionally.

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

without you i'll be miserable at best..

I met someone a couple weeks ago. We hit it off and that was a huge step for me. I didn't think about him at all until a couple days later. It was like all of a sudden I realized that there could be someone new in my life. I don't like new things or change. I just don't process it well. All I can think about is that this guy won't measure up to the guy I was last with. And on top of it this new guy is perfect or so it seems. I know you aren't supposed to judge people until you really get to know them and have given them a chance but I can't help it. I'm scared he won't be, well, the guy I'm still in love with. Maybe I'm not ready for this whole moving on thing...

How do you know when you're 'ready'? I should know all of this. I've gone through it before. I guess I just have never lost a love so great though. Maybe I just have to bite the bullet on this one. Maybe I just have to jump. "I guess if you don't jump you'll never know if you can fly." Take chances in life. I mean really what do I have to lose anymore anyways? I've lost the greatest thing thus far in my life. I really can't take too many steps backwards. I'm just scared. What if I take the jump and then he comes back? I know, I can what if it all day. I guess he is the biggest thing holding me back. Not even the fear of being hurt again just the fear that he'll come back as I move on. He hurt me more than probably anyone has ever hurt me in my life and I want to thank him for that. He has made me so much stronger then I ever thought I could be. I hate him and love him for that. Who am I kidding I hate him so much yet I'm still in love with him. It's such a joke. Well as I've said before...someday..

Wanna know what makes me really mad though? The fact that I'm so happy right now. Nothing in life is bringing me down. I have a lot going for me, yes, some set backs but seriously nothing to be down about. I'm just happy. But all I can think about is how it'd be the best to have him by my side. I hate that I want him here by my side when I'm so incredibly happy. It really racks my brain. I just don't get why I'm so happy yet I'd be that much better with him by my side. Even as my friend would be a huge change. I guess I shouldn't say that. I don't even know him anymore. I hear he's changed a lot but maybe he's just hiding behind some pretty high walls. I don't blame him. But no matter what, the walls will crumble. You just better hope you kept certain people around to help you out when you're all exposed and flaunting everything once the walls fall down around you.

I'll be seeing you,

Manda

I'm not ready to quit this now..

Man I thought the other day was hard well right now beats it. maybe it's the cold or a song I heard or the fact that my dad asked about him and told me he missed him tonight. Whatever it is it's making sleep really hard tonight. I have to be up in a couple of hours but I can't even close my eyes without thoughts running through my head. Without pictures coming to mind. Without memories playing like a movie. I want to erase him but I know I can't not yet at least and who knows why. Maybe something is making me hold on for a reason or maybe it's my way of just getting by. I just hope to get some sleep tonight.

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

one of those days

I guess I'm in that missing him funk. Nothing is special about today, nothing is wrong, everything is okay actually more than okay; things are going great. So why do I miss him on such a simple day? I guess when you lose the one you love you don't get to decide what days you miss them. You don't get to decide when you get over them and you don't get to decide whether they will come back or not. You have no choice in the matter. The only thing you can decide is how you want to approach the situation. Keep pushing forward? Always. Keep your head up? Every day. Have a couple fall backs? It's going to happen. The most important thing I've learned is to just have hope that tomorrow will get better. Each day I wake up a little bit stronger. Some days it shows and some days it doesn't. I have my breaking points because I once lived a life of love and happiness and I would do anything in my powers to get that back. Clearly that wasn't the path I was supposed to be on. Fate had other things planned for me. Some days its not so easy to remember that this is where I'm supposed to be headed. I am the only one who can create and change where I am headed.

I'm a firm believer in the quote "They say if you truly love something set it free, if it's meant to be it will come back to you" Maybe its my coping mechanism right now because it gives me the small little false hope that he could come back some day. But really I do think its true. We both have to do some growing with our life and maybe down the road our paths will cross and we can be together again. The hard part is trying to forget all of the plans you had together. I always think about it. I think back on times we had. The holidays are horrible because I remember them as they once were. I just have to keep reassuring myself that whats meant to be will find its way. Someday I'm going to look back and say that this all happened for this reason. Someday.

God made this whole world round and maybe it's that way so the paths we go down, yeah will cross again some day. And someday I'll see you when I see you, another place another time. If I ever get down your way or you ever up around mine, we'll laugh about the old day's and catch up on the new. Yeah see you when I see you and I hope it's some day real soon.. -Jason Aldean (he was ours)

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

Should've kissed you there
I should've held your face
I should've watched those eyes
Instead of run in place
I should've called you out
I should've said your name
I should've turned around
I should've looked again

But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away

Should've held my ground
I could've been redeemed
For every second chance
That changed its mind on me
I should've spoken up
I should've proudly claimed
That oh my head's to blame
For all my heart's mistakes

But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away

And it's you, and it's you
And it's you, and it's you
And it's falling down, as you walk away
And it's on me now, as you go

But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away

And it's falling down, as you walk away
And it's on me now, as you go

But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
I 'm staring at the mess I made
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away

isn't it funny how some things take you back?

Like a certain smell, song, movie, word, sound, picture, a show or something as simple as a location. For me any of these things can be triggers and instantly I'm back in a moment in time. Some memories haunting, some sad and some are wonderful to revisit. I love how the mind works in that sense. I love knowing something can trigger a feeling, mood or thought and bring it to the surface. Sometimes it's not something you want to revisit but that's just the way the world works. Lately this has been happening to me more than ever. I swear there are so many things that bring up old memories. Some days I want to block them out completely because I no longer want to remember that that was the life I once lived but sometimes it's good to know who I was and where I'm at now.

Where I'm at now is not where I thought I'd be at all a year ago. I planned on being in a four year college with my major decided, living with a roommate or two and looking for a place to live in the upcoming year with the now ex and starting to map things out for my/our future. Well, life changes and we have to learn to roll with the punches. Some days are harder than others though when trying to realize that shit happens and we have to keep going. Yes, I do wish I could go back a year ago and change so much. But I'm not in the position to do so. Therefore I must push forward and start creating my new future, my new path and something better for myself then what I originally planned.

Have you ever made a decision so big that you knew it would change which path you were headed towards? I wish I had thought that over more when making a couple rather large decisions in my life. Oh the things I'd teach myself a year ago that I know now.

Love if enough, friends and family are everything, money is important but only for the essentials, education is a must, you are stronger than you let yourself believe and again love is always enough.

No matter where you choose to be in my heart I'll always see you, everywhere. Now a days when I'm passin' through the conversation always turns to you, I hear you're doin' fine. Livin' out by the county line got a man that's home every night, a couple of kids and the kind of life that you want to leave. Guess you could say the same for me. But you and I made our choices all those years ago, still I know I'll hear your voice and see you down the road...

I'll be seeing you,
Manda

little miss i'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore

Bulletproof

I'm ready to start spilling my heart out in words again. I'm ready to start getting it all out there on the table and be vulnerable again. I've been closed up for way too long and haven't been dealing with it in a healthy way. This is the fresh new start of my life, exposed to everyone or anyone who reads this, if there will be anyone. At least I am getting it out there. Some days I may post 8 times and sometimes there may be weeks in between my posts. Whenever I feel like getting it all out there though it will be on this blog.

I used to write all the time. I would write everything down, everything. I wouldn't say it helped me but at least I got the thoughts out of my brain and written down somewhere. I of course don't have much to say for this first post other then I hope whoever reads this can bear with me and get through this. It's not going to be a pretty blog and it's not going to be censored.

Welcome to my life everyone, I have nothing to hide.

Oh yes dear, I'm nothing without you, but I'm learning as I go. Some days I wait for you and others I have my middle finger in the air wishing you a good damn life. But most of the time I just miss my best friend and the great, amazing and caring guy I know you can still be.

I'll be seeing you,
Manda