how do you know,

when it's the end?

I can be in such a great frame of mind when it comes to my Grandpa Jim and his battle with cancer but some days I let it defeat me and tear me down. I want to stay positive and believe that he can still keep fighting but when I hear certain things like 'the tumor has grown a tremendous amount' or 'ya know at this stage it's not too far from the end.' Stuff like that whigs me out and gets me in this funk. I have this hope and dream that my grandpa will one day be at my wedding or hold my first child and I guess a harsh reality is that he probably won't. How do you plan for someone to not be there for you the rest of your life? He's been such a big help and support all my years here, how do I keep going without him? Yes, I have friends and other loved ones who will support me and stand by my side but they aren't my Grandpa Jim. No one will take his place and I don't want that. But I wish he'd just always be there, always. I see the hurt in my Grandma's eyes often. She's scared. They have been each other's one and only for so long now. She must be wondering how she'll continue on without him..if she'll continue on with him. I don't know what I'd do if I were her to be completely honest. I'd be a wreck. How do you watch the one you love with your entire being just fall apart and slowly fade away? My grandparents love is so strong and true and I admire it. They are my favorite couple. Still after all of their years together they can joke, kiss, laugh, cry, feel and just love one another. It's true genuine love. I hope that I one day can have a relationship as strong as theirs. My grandpa has lived a very fulfilling life. I am grateful that at 20 years old I still have all four of my grandparents. I am a very lucky grand daughter, that's for certain. What will I do without him? Well, how do you know, when it's the end?

I'll be seeing you,
Manda