I met someone a couple weeks ago. We hit it off and that was a huge step for me. I didn't think about him at all until a couple days later. It was like all of a sudden I realized that there could be someone new in my life. I don't like new things or change. I just don't process it well. All I can think about is that this guy won't measure up to the guy I was last with. And on top of it this new guy is perfect or so it seems. I know you aren't supposed to judge people until you really get to know them and have given them a chance but I can't help it. I'm scared he won't be, well, the guy I'm still in love with. Maybe I'm not ready for this whole moving on thing...
How do you know when you're 'ready'? I should know all of this. I've gone through it before. I guess I just have never lost a love so great though. Maybe I just have to bite the bullet on this one. Maybe I just have to jump. "I guess if you don't jump you'll never know if you can fly." Take chances in life. I mean really what do I have to lose anymore anyways? I've lost the greatest thing thus far in my life. I really can't take too many steps backwards. I'm just scared. What if I take the jump and then he comes back? I know, I can what if it all day. I guess he is the biggest thing holding me back. Not even the fear of being hurt again just the fear that he'll come back as I move on. He hurt me more than probably anyone has ever hurt me in my life and I want to thank him for that. He has made me so much stronger then I ever thought I could be. I hate him and love him for that. Who am I kidding I hate him so much yet I'm still in love with him. It's such a joke. Well as I've said before...someday..
Wanna know what makes me really mad though? The fact that I'm so happy right now. Nothing in life is bringing me down. I have a lot going for me, yes, some set backs but seriously nothing to be down about. I'm just happy. But all I can think about is how it'd be the best to have him by my side. I hate that I want him here by my side when I'm so incredibly happy. It really racks my brain. I just don't get why I'm so happy yet I'd be that much better with him by my side. Even as my friend would be a huge change. I guess I shouldn't say that. I don't even know him anymore. I hear he's changed a lot but maybe he's just hiding behind some pretty high walls. I don't blame him. But no matter what, the walls will crumble. You just better hope you kept certain people around to help you out when you're all exposed and flaunting everything once the walls fall down around you.
I'll be seeing you,
Manda
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